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Moving On

September 2, 2012

A lot of times, when I was in the midst of all the hell we were going through I wanted to read about life after cancer.  And I had a hard time finding it.

 

A lot of people quit writing.  I swore I wouldn’t be that off-treament family.  But then, here I am with months of nothing.

 

We’ve moved on with our lives.  Our wish trip came through and it was truly fabulous.  Our daughter was so happy.  And she got an opportunity to meet some other kids that were sick like her.

 

Yesterday as we were bopping over the hills in our SUV she said, “mama these hills make me feel like I did when I was sick.”  And it wasn’t a negative comment.  Simply sharing that the feeling she had in her tummy is how she felt then.

But I didn’t know.   I cried.   I had no idea that her tummy felt queasy when she was sick.  She never mentioned it. Not once.  She went through it alone.

Oh yes, we were all there for her, and with her every step that we could be.  But she was alone. She is the one who will have to, at some point, tell future doctors, friends and lovers that she had leukemia.  That she survived .  Not me.  Not her dad.    We can move on from some aspects of it.  She will forever be a survivor.

Our family survived the traumatic years of leukemia treatments, until February of this year.  Then we broke apart.   My husband and I have separated and are doing what we can to raise the children with as much peace as possible.

So, life after cancer can have so many unexpected outcomes.  Additionally, it is as if while she was on-treatment I stuffed a bunch of feelings.   And now that she’s made it over a year off treatment.  Some of those hidden feelings are popping out.  Nothing specific.. just feelings of fear that want to be released.

I was so afraid.   Every day.  Fear so great that I would lose her.  That I would do something wrong.  That  something I wouldn’t be able to handle would come up.   But at the time, I had to pay attention to what the moment was.. BUT now looking back I have a bit of a safe distance.  It’s behind me you see, because I am moving on.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2012 7:36 pm

    I have not been back for way too long. I, too, have not posted much. More promoting awareness than anything about Sammy or us. This post made me cry for so many reasons. Isa and Sammy and many others are survivors, but they will have to face the fact they had leukemia way too often in their lives. I worry about Sammy telling a future bride that he may never have children, if the radiation has left him sterile! I worry about how he will feel as he gets older and more aware of the reality of cancer … will he begin worrying, like I do, about the future? He already is in a way.

    My marriage held on….by the thinest thread imaginable…and we continue to hope that thread is enough. Only time will tell on that one. But cancer has such a devastating effects on all concerned, no matter how good the outcome is.

    Sending you all much love.
    Katy xxx

    • October 24, 2012 9:26 pm

      Thanks Katy, and thanks for doing the outreach stuff. I am not able to do that. I can’t really be around the kids and the work, and I almost have to pretend that it didn’t even exist. Keep doing that please!! It makes me feel less guilty.

      I do usually say don’t donate to the cure, donate to the families.. Damn it is hard.. and Our Make-A-Wish trip really was AWESOME! It gave me a great feeling but by that time Isa was feeling better. So it really was a great thing for us. Not a last family vacation or anything.

  2. October 8, 2012 7:16 am

    Hi- I am kathi, mum of Vega who was diagnosed with all in January this year. I am probably one of those that make your stats go up. I have been reading your blog when our journey was the most difficult, when it was hard and when I was worried. Now we are about to start maintenance and I am looking to hear of people who have done it. I mean the whole thing.I still can’t quite believe that all this will be over one day. That it is possible to leave it behind. You have spoken my thoughts so many times. And are still doing it. I am so grateful for this. Keep on writing, and keep on moving on, putting a distance between you and the fear. K

  3. September 3, 2012 5:38 am

    I’m so sorry. Praying for healing for all of your family.

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