Day 3, Brudder’s Post
I’ve turned over the blog to Brudder, who has spent 10 hours today diligently working on this. He’s been forced to examine his feelings as he discovered his voice. This post makes Papa & Mama proud.
The first day I went to the hospital I had no idea what to expect. I thought that Isa was doing fine, other than losing her hair. When I first walked in I thought, ”Oh, this is gonna be a piece of cake.” I thought we would be in and out quickly. I truly believed we were going to be there less than an hour! At the hospital, I had no responsibility to take care of anything. I only needed to bring my own stuff to do, like my book and DS. When all five of us were in the small patient room I just read my book and waited for a nurse to come give Isa her medicine. Every room looked exactly the same, with three chairs and one table.
I felt selfish and confused. Selfish because I was thinking of what we were going to do after the appointment. Also it wasn’t my medicine to take and I was sure glad about that. Confused because I didn’t know what the building was going to look like or if Isa was going to be in pain, or if the medicine was good or bad. Because I didn’t have a personal experience. While Isa was getting a lumbar puncture. We went down stairs to get something to eat from McDonalds. As we sat down I realized how dirty it was. It didn’t look dirty, but I could tell it was. I wasn’t touching anything. GERMS! There were sick kids everywhere. I saw a boy in a wheelchair who couldn’t hold his head up , a kid with a helmet, a teenager in a blue gown pulling an IV pole, a baby in a machine being wheeled through the hallway and Emma. It was horrifying and sad at the same time.
The girl named Emma came into the room to give Isa and G. each a stuffed animal. She had been giving the children at the clinic toys. She was a skinny girl maybe seven years old. She had no hair and moved very slowly. To me it looked like she was in a lot of pain. Mama said she just looked like a girl getting chemo. When she walked she shuffled. Her arms were shaky as well. She reminded me of a zombie. On her head underneath her skin she had a circle not much bigger than a quarter that was raised up about a finger’s width from her skull. I felt really bad for her and became really thankful for what I had. I felt hurt seeing such a sweet person in that condition.
When we got back, Isa was drowsy but fine. It was a shocking and scary experience. I walked to the corner and plopped on a chair. I didn’t want to do anything wrong so I just read my magazine. I felt really bad for Mama, Papa, G & Isa for having to do this every week. : ( It was also the vibe, it was so negative. That is when it hit me. Isa was one of the sick kids.
Finally, I got the main idea and a better understanding of what happened in the hospital.
Wow was I wrong! The hospital is not fast. Now when Papa tells me over the phone that he spent the day at the hospital I will understand how he feels.
It’s sad to know Isa has cancer. When I look at her with droopy eyes and no hair. It feels like I don’t know her. I also imagine what she would have become if cancer hadn’t happened. But I keep convincing myself that she is still the same sweet little girl I know. Playing and talking with her , seeing the warm smile and the twinkle in her eye confirm that she is still my sister.
It does not matter what is on the outside, but what is on the inside that makes you, you.