Getting Close to Delayed Intensification
and yet my emotions are intensifying in a rather un-delayed fashion.
To have a child getting chemo once every 10 days is one thing; they still sort of act like a kid. If they are stronger in the Interim Maintenance phase and all is going well, you get a glimpse of your child pre-cancer.
Then you got to risk it all in Delayed Intensifcation. Lots of chemo, drug reactions, more chance of illness, more barfing, blood transfusions, fevers and hospitalizations. Not to mention not going anywhere.
The great thing about being a three year old with cancer is that you get to act like a STARK RAVING MANIAC and no one questions it. The little kids are lucky in that they can react from a place deep within themselves. The older children and adults of course have learned to be bashful, to only cry when you really can’t take it. Then to apologize for any outburst of emotion. And to hide that deep emotional response.
Everyone needs a good outburst from time to time. Even Mamas. Today was my day.
I recently received an email from a supportive woman who said something like, I don’t know how you are still standing. Some days, I don’t even know myself. I have never considered myself a strong woman. I wore combat boots for years, honestly, I still wear them. In my boots I can take over the world. Oddly, once Isa was diagnosed, I began to wear them regularly again. (Of course it was like 4 degrees with snow and ice, so I ain’t just emotional I am practical.)
Maybe this will go into my, “How to take care of yourself during a child’s cancer treatment” book.
- Buy some Seriously bad ass Combat boots. Old style, not the dusky beige desert boots.
- Then get a stack of plates (breakable) from a thrift store.
- Find brick wall and alley.
- Wear boots, Wear safety glasses, Carry plates and a large garage broom to alley.
- Throw every fucking plate as hard as you can against the wall.
- Stomp, Jump and smash all the little pieces into smithereens.
- Scream, Cuss and Wail as needed.
- Leave the broom so someone else can clean up the mess, because you’ll be too damn tired.
- Call a family member to come bond you out.
As painful as this has been I am grateful everyday that Isa’s cancer continues to bring us good things. Sounds weird. But this process has been amazing. @manicmother said it in a tweet or in her blog recently…. something like, I am out and about looking at people and thinking, My kid has cancer why are your lives so normal.
Cancer changes things in ways that can’t be described. Your perceptions of life change. Everything changes.
I am changed. I am changing. And I love who I am becoming. Cancer made me do it.
I #BlameDrewsCancer for making me into a better person.