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Getting Close to Delayed Intensification

June 7, 2009

and yet my emotions are intensifying in a rather un-delayed fashion.

To have a child getting chemo once every 10 days is one thing;  they still sort of act like a kid. If they are stronger in the Interim Maintenance phase and all is going well, you get a glimpse of your child pre-cancer.

Then you got to risk it all in Delayed Intensifcation.  Lots of chemo, drug reactions, more chance of illness, more barfing,  blood transfusions, fevers and hospitalizations.  Not to mention not going anywhere.

The great thing about being a three year old with cancer is that you get to act like a STARK RAVING MANIAC  and no one questions it. The little kids are lucky in that they can react from a place deep within themselves. The older children and adults of course have learned to be bashful, to only cry when you really can’t take it. Then to apologize for any outburst of emotion. And to hide that deep emotional response.

Everyone needs a good outburst from time to time. Even Mamas. Today was my day.

 I recently received an email from a supportive woman who  said something like, I don’t know how you are still standing.  Some days, I don’t even know myself. I have never considered myself a strong woman. I wore combat boots for years, honestly, I still wear them. In my boots I can take over the world. Oddly, once Isa was diagnosed, I began to wear them regularly again. (Of course it was like 4 degrees with snow and ice, so I ain’t just emotional I am practical.)

Maybe this will go into my, “How to take care of yourself during a child’s cancer treatment”  book.  

  1.  Buy some Seriously bad ass Combat boots. Old style, not the dusky beige desert boots.
  2.  Then get a stack of plates (breakable) from a thrift store.
  3. Find  brick wall and alley.
  4. Wear boots, Wear safety glasses, Carry plates and a large garage broom to alley.
  5. Throw every fucking plate as hard as you can against the wall.
  6. Stomp, Jump and smash all the little pieces into smithereens.
  7. Scream, Cuss and Wail as needed.
  8. Leave the broom so someone else can clean up the mess, because you’ll be too damn tired.
  9. Call a family member to come bond you out.

As painful as this has been I am grateful everyday that Isa’s cancer continues to bring us good things. Sounds weird. But this process has been amazing.  @manicmother said it in a tweet or in her blog recently…. something like, I am out and about looking at people and thinking, My kid has cancer why are your lives so normal. 

Cancer changes things in ways that can’t be described. Your perceptions of life change.  Everything changes.

I am changed. I am changing. And I love who I am becoming. Cancer made me do it. 


I  #BlameDrewsCancer for making me into a better person.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. mrsfinn permalink
    July 8, 2009 1:42 am

    After losing my son due to extreme prematurity, I spent some time looking around at other people wondering, “how can the world keep going on when my son is dead?” “how can they be happy when I am so miserable?” and then I realized that although what happened to me was unbearable, there are people out there who suffer just as much, if not more than me, and it’s all subjective.

    I can’t imagine going through what you’ve had to deal with- it’s painful just to think about. You are a very brave woman and I admire that so much.

    • July 8, 2009 7:13 am

      Thanks. I know exactly what you mean. I see all sorts of things that tell me it could be worse. Thanks for reading. Feel free to share the site with other readers!

  2. June 25, 2009 12:39 am

    I just stumbled upon your blog and I wanted to say your little girl seems like a little trooper. I wish you and your family the best and a lot of strength.

  3. June 13, 2009 3:28 pm

    It really sucks doesn’t it? I am so excited for induction to be over (Thursday) then we get a short break and on to the delayed intensification …its a tease for sure.

    • cheflucien permalink
      June 14, 2009 1:12 pm

      Yes, it really sucks. And that is using the mildest terms. It gets better when things go well, but spending a bunch of time in the hospital with complications makes it worse. The hospital just sucks no matter when. Thanks for commenting, I look forward to seeing you more.

  4. meimeiloca permalink
    June 10, 2009 1:10 pm

    like throwing pillows at the wall in china but much more effective

  5. June 10, 2009 7:45 am

    I remember the exact day I felt like that last summer. My little bit of sanity wouldn’t let me break the plates we eat off of every day so I was going to go buy some from Goodwill just so I could have a plate-crashing party. But, that wouldn’t satisfy my immediate need, so I started slamming doors. I never slam doors. It was liberating and satisfying- tears streaming down my face while I listened to the windows rattling after every slam. Sure the neighbors thought I was nuts!

    • June 13, 2009 12:23 pm

      Yes. Exactly. You know what I am talking about. My husband just asked me recently, “oh, is that why we have been losing plates?” 🙂

  6. natascha tomlinson permalink
    June 8, 2009 9:42 am

    call me if you need bail money. I will gladly bail you out. Have your tantrum! You certainly deserve to let off some steam……. It’s not always easy being strong in front of our children…..

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