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Leaving…Today

January 19, 2009

OMG, yes, I speak, IM. 

The doctors say, that we are leaving today. 

Last night, Isa said that she had a pain. I may have made a bigger deal of it than necessary. In the back of my mind, perhaps, I felt she’d be safer here. Where the nurses and doctors are just a button away.

Just now, we wait for Isa, PEG Aparaginase to take effect, and to see if there will be any reactions to the medication. So far so good. Lunch is also on its way. Gratefully, after that Isa will likely sleep.

G. is being wiggly, and Isa is screaming because G is playing with “her” toy. Sibling stuff doesn’t change just because one is sick. Explain cancer to a 3 & 4 year old. 

Isa & Me

Isa & Me

 

 

If the feeling of diagnosis is a punch in the stomach then leaving the hospital is like getting ready to give a speech in front of an audience, without being prepared. Nerve-wracking! Like having too much coffee, which I haven’t had, or eating a stick of Energy Gum. Does anyone remember Jolt?  I haven’t tried a can of Monster, but I am sure that I’d feel exactly as I do right now. Whack!

Papa & I are tired, anxious and cranky. And taking it out on each other. Every time I try to pack up, someone comes in. Damn, the people in the hospital care not about anxious mothers, who can’t handle people interrupting her. It is time to pack. It is time to leave. 

I liken it to the first time you take the baby home from the hospital. Of course, both Isa & G were born at home, so this is only my imagination working. But the fear of germs, of a fall, of dropping the medicine under the fridge, whatever,  I can imagine it all. Being in the moment, is tough when the moment is stressful.

“Remember the breath, it will bring you to the present.”  Gee, thanks Eckhart, exactly where I want to be.

Ultimately, we will be fine. I know this, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. We have support. Thanks to all those that have donated. Thanks to all that have extended an invitation to help. We have been graced with a place locally to live during the induction period. (about a month.)  The moment is better than I believe it to be. 

Never-the-less, I feel alone.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. DAWN CROXTON ONGKIKO permalink
    January 26, 2009 12:37 am

    yeah, well….

    I would love to see you guys. In the mean time, could I, too, have a sssnnnaaaiilll mail address? Thx. You are the greatest. You are an inspiration. A BIG, BIG inspiration to live my life better and not take anything for granted.

  2. January 21, 2009 12:24 am

    Thankfully, Dawn stopped screaming in her other comment. Ha.

    Good to see you Dawn, how funny, to reconnect like this. Interesting to have so many emotions blatantly staring at you.

    This sucks, but it could be worse. Today was bad because I got my oldest daughter’s stomach flu. So I am trying to wash my hands and clean up and no eating…

  3. DAWN CROXTON ONGKIKO permalink
    January 20, 2009 10:08 am

    OK SO THIS ISN’T HOW I’D EVER IMAGINE RECONNECTING BUT HERE GOES. ASHLEY SENT A POST AND UPDATE ON YOU AND LITTLE ISA. PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL ABSOUTELY FOLLOW YOUR BLOG AND PRAY FOR YOUR FAMILY DAILY! GOD WON’T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE!!! HE WON’T! E:MAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE: CROXTONDAWN@HOTMAIL.COM TAKE GOOD CARE ~

  4. Jo Ash permalink
    January 20, 2009 6:48 am

    Happy you got to go home. Caregivers need rest. You said it all, quoted from the Bible. God will not give you more than you can handle.

    Think of all of you almost every minute of the day. Why? Because I’m the Mom and grandmother. I know Martha feels the same way.

  5. Tara permalink
    January 19, 2009 5:26 pm

    I am very glad you all get to go home today. If home you mean Madison come down if you need to chat. I don’t want to intrude but please really call me if you need anything,,, anytime.

  6. Wanda permalink
    January 19, 2009 5:24 pm

    Feebs,

    I was shaking with fear before my surgery and I opened “A New Earth” to page 198. J. Krishnamurti, the Master, shared his key to understanding “THIS IS MY SECRET,” he said. ” I DON’T MIND WHAT HAPPENS”

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